Inappropriate Behaviour

 “But in my eyes at that age not knowing any better, I thought it was normal behaviour between two boys”

I would firstly like to say that during this period in my life I have taken one really positive from all the negative; to see the warning signs for my own family I create and to set boundaries like; bedroom doors stay open, checking in with my kids every evening etc. This article is not only for those that have been abused but perhaps also parents that want to navigate right from wrong and to prevent anything that might not be right.

Did I think that the oral abuse was normal behaviour? Absolutely not. But at the age of 11 and after my father passing away I was in a state of.. well, nothing. My protectors were the rest of my family. Sometimes you don’t have answers for everything and that’s okay. Sometimes you can’t remember how you felt at the time or what you were thinking at the exact time it happened.

I remember a little earlier before it all started happening I was actually really interested in understanding the female body and how it worked. My mother would always say that I needed to understand the male body before I started reading about the female body. So I read a few books she provided.

I look back and consider this a possible turning point for my brother and the direction that he went later with me.

It’s really hard to find literature on what is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour between males/siblings of the same age and males/siblings of different ages. Some might consider what I am about to say to be pretty obvious, common sense or completely disagree with me but who really knows the answer?

After speaking with my sister and other psychologists it is very normal for males (school friends) of the same age to consume pornography together and during this stage learn about their own individual bodies; give or take one year in difference. This means no one is touching your body and you are only touching yours.

Siblings with great age gaps such as 11 and 17 watching pornography together is inappropriate behaviour. If, in a household, the age gap does not seem to be that large always consider grade gaps. Grade 12 and grade 6 is inappropriate, then grade 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12. I think it’s a lot easier to grasp the concept of what is appropriate behaviour and not when you look at it from the grade difference.

So, in my case, the consuming of pornography and coerced fondling with my brother who was 17 while I was 11 was inappropriate. During/a little bit later though, I remember that I would go over to a school friends house and we would all watch porn together – that is relatively normal male behaviour.

See, some of you may be reading this going; “nope, that isn’t right” but at the end of the day there really just isn’t enough literature on the subject about what is appropriate behaviour between same aged males who are growing up and learning about their bodies and then the same with age gaps. I am not justifying anything that happened of course, but it’s important to note the cloudiness of judgement alongside the lack of information.

If anyone has any articles around this subject please link below.

6 thoughts on “Inappropriate Behaviour

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  1. What would you say about an age gap of 3 years. The whole age gap thing is upsetting to me because I feel it leaves some people out and discounts their experience 😦 who gets to decide what’s “ok” or “not ok”??

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey!

      First of all, thanks so much for having the courage to comment.

      It can hurt to hear others diminish what has happened to you due to an age gap but ultimately you are the only person that gets to decide what is ok and not ok. Without having much context I can only say what is below.
      In my eyes, it all comes down to a few things:

      1. Consent (are you at an age where you can distinguish right from wrong and able to give consent or not?)
      2. How developed were you at this age? (For example, I was 11 and incapable of understanding what was going on. If at my age now, 26, and the situation arose I would certainly know right from wrong).
      3. Did it make you feel uncomfortable then or now?
      4. Has it impacted your current life? (can it be linked to you having anxiety, PTSD, CPTSD etc).

      If it was a family member who abused you it is always good to consider what the circumstances would be if it was a non-family member and how you or the people around you would see it. That can give you a clearer understanding.

      Thanks so much for commenting,
      Harry

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  2. I dont remember exactly how old i was but it pains me to say its my first memory.i think was maybe about 6 or younger and my brother is two years older than me, three depending on time of the year
    I dont know how im supposed to feel about this, if even was sexual abuse at all, i get so frustrated with myself beacuse i barely remember anything from my child hood except snippets of events. I dont even know if this was a one time occurance or an on going thing. I want to defend my brother and until recently we had been very close, but if he touches me my body physically recoils and i feel that is my body telling me somethings definitely not right. I dont know if i can trust my own memories anymore and i dont even wanna cry when i think about it anymore i just feel nothing.

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    1. Hey! Thanks for having the courage to comment.

      I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist and talking through your memories.

      I too have very little memory of my childhood.. and that was because I had suppressed a lot of the memories to protect myself from the chaotic reality that was happening.

      Speaking with someone and opening up that wound mind help you better understand and recall what it was that went on and why your body physically feels uncomfortable around your brother.

      Thanks so much for speaking out and if you need to speak please send me a private message through the contact form.

      Thanks,
      Harry

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      1. Tomorrow I am supposed to read the details of my abuse to my therapist. I’m really afraid 😦

        Do you have any advice for talking about this for the first time? I can barely even say some of the words out loud to myself.

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      2. Well done for getting to the stage where you are wanting to speak to someone about it. You’ve booked an appointment.. you’re brave.. and you’re about to speak about it for the first time.. that’s even braver.

        To be sure you have chosen the right psychologist ask them a few questions to get started:

        – Have you worked with clients before regarding childhood sexual trauma?
        – Is this a subject you are particularly interested in and want to help clients overcome?

        Just remember you are going into a judgement free room and they are there to listen and provide you the support you have needed for so long. Good luck 🙂 Would love to hear how it goes.

        Thanks,
        Harry

        Like

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